Why’d you come, You knew you should have stayed. I tried to warn you just to stay away. – Tyler J x
For a while now, I’ve pondered on whether to tell you how I feel or not. I find it easier talking to someone else, cause it lifts the burden of your presence that is now imprinted in my heart. But sometimes I miss your contagious laugh and your idiotic jokes; your lazy eyes and your scented smile.
So what went wrong? Was it just me or.. was I never really in the game to start with? I feel like you followed me from the start. From the early days of June down to September, I cleverly evaded you because I was too afraid to embrace a potential scum. I won’t lie, I did not want to waste my time but at the same time, I was too selfish to notice I was squandering yours away.
I was happy you tried again in September. Realizing that things were harder and we were miles apart, but you didn’t seem to mind. This time, I was foolish and thirsty and so I fell down the hole you dug for me like a lost soul, looking for the base of a bottomless pit. With you, I had no boundaries. I felt like, I was ready to be used and reused and to be hurt and I didn’t care because that was how fast I was drowning in the depth of you. But maybe I wasn’t afraid. Maybe it’s cause you were a bit different. And you weren’t looking for what the world would label perfect. Maybe you were looking for me. The shy, insecure seventeen year old, who knew nothing about love but still felt she was ready for it.
We knew the scales. So there was no point denying something that was clearly written in the stars. But we waited so long. We’ve waited too long. We’re still waiting and it aches to feel the uncertainty that lies in not being sure of what we are or what we could be.
I know you’re afraid of what will happen. But I am weary with having to prove myself to you. So if it is the right time to let go, I will. But I can never decide when the right time to forget will be.
And so I wrote this, because I wanted to talk. But I’m clearly too slow to speak. I had hoped you would save my heavy dirty soul. But all you did was cause a tear in my heart. I warned you not to come, to stay away. Rather I warned myself. But I still let you in thinking you had an agenda. Perhaps you knew what to do, and you could teach me a thing or two. Metaphorically you were the man, but literally, you didn’t know what to do.
Maybe there’s more to say. But it’s better to wait till indefinite becomes definite.
- Inspired by TØP.